"HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE"?
NOVEMBER 11, 2024
It’s a pretty simple question. “How many kids do you have”? An innocent inquisitive interest about your life. For someone who has lost a child, it can bring up feelings of deep pain, complicated thoughts and an internal struggle. All of this to just come up with an answer to a seemingly easy question.
For me personally, it really depends on who’s asking. Do I want them to ask follow up questions about my answer or do I want to move along the conversation about it quickly? I’ve literally asked it every way you can imagine. I asked my oldest son once how he went about answering the same question about siblings. And really it’s the same for him too.
Today I want to focus on all different ways a grieving parent can answer – while remembering NO way you choose to answer it is wrong. This is YOUR information; your life.
The "how many kids" question brings up so much emotion doesn’t it? It’s not really the question that is the problem, it’s the memories, love and pain that comes back when you determine how to answer. It produces guilt, sadness and sometimes anger…..again depending on how you choose to answer. It’s a delicate balance honoring your child while not giving too much information in the conversation.
There can be pressure to answer it without emotion and be “socially acceptable”. The look in peoples’ faces when I would say “I have one son who’s _____ (age) and a heavenly son who will be forever eighteen. Sometimes they’d cry, grab my hand, become very uncomfortable or worse yet – tell me about someone they knew who lost a child and how devastated they were. They mean nothing by it, but when there’s awkward conversation, people instinctively talk excessively or clam up and leave the conversation. In my experience at least. It can also depend on the setting. Where we are at can make a big difference in how you will want to answer.
If you are at a public event you may wish to give a short, right to the point answer: I have two sons OR I have one son. In a private setting, you may feel more comfortable telling the full story. When I was once asked in front of 50+ people at a new job, my response was “I have two sons”. Not the setting to be airing my private information. Later a co-worker asked me privately how old my sons were. In that instance I have the one son age _____ and one son heavenly eighteen. When you choose to include a child you have lost.
I want to encourage you to feel empowered in doing so. This is your story and you should be the one telling the narrative!
Sometimes keeping it simple is best, especially when you don’t want questions. Some days I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for explaining or being on display. I protect my emotional well being whenever possible or needed. Now then, once you say how many kids you have, they want to typically know if its boys or girls. I say boys and they’re both adults. Which technically is not wrong – he was eighteen. Then I promptly guide the conversation back to them and ask them the same question. Usually that will helps everything go elsewhere without being rude.
I believe women have intuition; know what I mean? If I have a sense that they need to know my story, I may be inclined to give the full answer. But ONLY when I have the emotional ability to do so. This gives me the option of honoring my son’s memory and to show that while his death is a part of me-there’s so much other things that define me. I’m not just a mom who had a child die. Everyone has a story and sometimes they need to hear yours.
Once I was at an alumni high school football game and a friend introduced me to a wonderful woman who had also graduated around the time I did. Guess what her first question was? Yep…”how many kids do you have”? My friend (who also lost a child at birth) knew my story but she sat and waited. I decided it was an opportunity to give the full answer. She grabbed her chest and said “you too”? Its amazing the connection that can develop simply due to unfortunate events. She knows how I feel/felt/sometimes feel and I do for her as well. There’s a support system out there, even if we don’t realize it sometimes.
However you choose to answer the question, make sure that it is answered with your comfort and the recipients comfort. Ask yourself, can I handle telling the story today? Can they handle hearing the answer? There will be days that those waves of grief are too high and this will tip the scales too far over.
As I’ve said (probably like a worn out record), this is YOUR STORY. And bottom line – you need to give yourself grace. It’s only their business if you make it their business.
After being asked the question A LOT, it became easier for me to decide which way it needed to be
answered. Don’t get me wrong, its never EASY, just easier than it was the first hundred times. This
process/journey or whatever you want to call it is never over. Its always in evolution.
How do you answer the question and how do you decide which way to do it? I’d love to hear from you.
Because after all, it takes a village. Until next time…
Be kind to yourself and keep dreaming,
Chris Workman.
