THE PRESSURE TO MOVE ON.

But that would have caused more problems, and I would have likely gone to jail. No win win there, right? Instead I felt invalidated and struggled for a really
long time with their insensitivity to my pain and their ignorant words. Many people don’t mean anything by their words – they just don’t get it. They really don’t. And I hope they never do.
People have a difficult time watching grief unfold. It’s raw, unpredictable and can take an insane amount of time to process. It can be uncomfortable because they don’t know how to support someone going
through such an intense pain over a long period of time. What’s the saying – time heals all wounds? It
doesn’t. Society wants a grieving parent to get back to a “normal” routine as soon as possible. Because if you get back to the ways things should be … well then POOF grieving will be done, right?? No? Are you telling me it doesn’t work like that? Nope unfortunately it does not. Usually, NO person in their right mind
WANTS to be stuck in the bizarre limbo world of grief. The conflict between healing and grieving can be a back and forth motion for a much longer time than anticipated. Remember, there is no timeline.

My son died on November 1 and I had decided I wasn’t going to celebrate Christmas. Screw Jesus and all of that feel good Christmas stuff. Nothing on Earth was worth celebrating. But then I thought of my one year old grandson. It was his second Christmas … and so I got that dang tree out. I remember vividly the intense conflict of wanting to lay in bed and let that day go by or get up and celebrate with my family. My brain knew I needed my family, but my heart was so broken, it was literally difficult to function at all.
The guilt was overwhelming that day; pretend to be ok or hide in bed in misery. I sat with my family.

Friends feel bad for their friend whose “kid died”. I’m sure I was quite the downer for a while (although honestly I don’t care). I got invited to a dinner with several of my old co-workers. Cheddars, oh how me and my sons loved Cheddars. Have you ever had people look at you with a pity look? Yeah its tough to
be the receiver. The group would be telling stories and then look at me as if I had lost my puppy. One girl actually grabbed my hand and patted it. Not sure what that was supposed to do, but hopefully it made her feel better. My friends were nurses – oncology nurses and very used to witnessing death but there’s
something different when it’s a kid and it hits close to your backyard. One well meaning person told me to hang in there and that “don’t worry everything will be ok”. My response was to stop accepting dinner invites. I became too busy and isolated myself from those potential situations. Isolation is very common; sometimes it’s the only control a grieving parent may feel they have to protect themselves
.
Healing is healthy – but it doesn’t mean you are letting go of your child. Living life doesn’t mean you are “moving on” from your child’s memory. The healing process incorporates both ongoing grief with moments of joy. It is OKAY to be joyful and LIVE your life. Please remember that always. It took me a while, but I learned how to carry my son’s memory with me. I mean yes, he is always with me but I had to figure out how to work that into my every day life. I choose to include him in my daily
world and will occasionally tell a goofy Nate story (there were a lot of them). It brings smiles and laughs to people’s faces. His personality just had that ability. By sharing stories, I keep his memory in the
present.

At the same time, it is SO important to create boundaries for friends, family and even co-workers.
People who strongly feel that you will feel so much better if you just MOVE ON. You may need to educate them that you are still grieving and you need them to understand that your grief is ongoing and has no timeline. Its okay to say that. You are doing the best you can, and leave it at that. You don’t owe
them anymore than that. Don’t let their words (as frustrating as they might be) interfere with your healing process. I know I keep saying it, but there is no timeline…no blueprint for a parent going thru the struggles of the loss of a child. Work your own process.
I prefer to choose positivity that MOST people have good intentions when it comes to the feelings of a grieving parent. Still, many times I have to redirect. People don’t want people feeling sad usually. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to say over the years (when something happens that brings that grief
boiling up to the top) “Im not okay and that’s okay. I need you to just let me be. This is the way I have to process everything”. To be able to voice your needs is very empowering. It’s my hope that you are able to do that!

Find support from people who understand – whether it is a support group, online community or someone who has gone through the death of a child. Finding the right people can be the difference and help remove those feelings of isolation, despair, guilt and whatever other feelings you feel as you move
through this process.

A while after my son’s death I had a memorable AHA moment. I was attending a banquet at a conference and the keynote speakers were parents of a young lady who had died years earlier. They had found peace during their grieving process and had turned their experience into a way to celebrate their
daughters life and educate on the horrible effects of drunk driving. My son did not die in a car accident at the hands of another person. I knew my road of grief was still going to be a long one, but meeting two amazing people who turned a negative into a positive made a gigantic impact on me that night. Their
story was inspiring. If they could do it (and well by the way), then so could I.

There is a big difference between acceptance and “moving on”. Acceptance does not mean your grief goes away, but it does allow you to live with the loss in a way that honors your child AND your healing journey.

It doesn’t happen overnight, but as I began to go thru my never ending cycle of grief, I found my “new normal”. I began slowly to accept my son wasn’t going to walk through that door. I would never hear his laugh again; I would never hold his children in my arms. And it SUCKED. But I did settle into reality. I gave myself the gift of acceptance and peace. The process has no timeline after all. I invite you to share anything that grabbed at your heart strings this week! Have you had experiences of being pressured to move on from your grief? How did you handle it?

Healing and moving forward doesn’t mean you let go of your child’s memory. You will continue to hold
on to all you have left – those memories. Find your tools that will help you navigate things when you feel
pressured to “just be normal”. Just be YOU.

Dreaming along side you,

Chris.