COPING WITH GRIEF
November 1, 2024
Having a child die is an experience that is different for each person that goes through it. The emotional pain of having a child die is not an experience that is the same for everyone, regardless of the situation.
Grief is a succession of big and small waves. It is never ending. Some days the waves are small and manageable and others like a tsunami.
The way you process each step is YOUR process. It is okay wherever you are in the story each day. I really don’t care what anyone who doesn’t understand the
situation says because in the end there is NO right OR wrong way to feel. Period.
So what do the waves of grief look like? When they are small, you’re able to function without much problem. When the waves are crazy high, it is difficult to do much without intense emotion and grieving
For me personally, the waves appear as a response to triggers. If I’m in public and I smell his cologne I find myself looking for him in the crowd. Sometimes it will make me cry when I realize he will never be in the crowd again and the rest of the day will be tough to overcome. When I hear his favorite song on the radio, it takes me back to the thousands of times he played it over and over while singing it. And he did NOT have a great voice. It brings a huge smile to my face and heart when I think about that. Big waves and small waves.
Waves of emotion happen because of connecting memories to endless love for your child. And honestly, that’s not something you EVERY get over. Instead its about learning how to navigate the different levels of waves
.
About 9 years after the death of my son, one of his classmates had a baby. I was so conflicted; I was
happy for her yet SO angry, sad, mad, devastated and confused. Why were his friends able to get married, have children…enjoy life and he WASN’T.
It wasn’t fair it STILL isn’t fair. It took me weeks to work
through those feelings. This literally was 9 years after his death – waves hit you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it.
What can you do when those waves come crashing down? Well..
1. Don’t fight the pain – it is absolutely 100% ok to feel what you feel in the moment. Let it take you where it needs to be – fighting it only makes it worse.
2. Find a tool you can use that use that helps when the waves get so big that they’re hard to handle. It could be journaling, meditating, throwing stuff at a smash park or go for a walk. For me, I need to do something that’s physical. Work in the yard helps me work thru it. It’s better for me to be by myself when I’m riding the waves of emotion. How everyone responds is
different.
3. Reach out to someone when the wave is coming in like a tidal wave. A friend, family or support community when it gets to be too much. Don’t rough it alone. I remember the 1 st time I spoke to someone that also lost a child. Even though the circumstances are completely different for every person – I realized their loss was the same. Knowing someone else had similar thoughts, fears
and overall grief helped me understand I wasn’t alone. What a relief that was. I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t on an island.
4. Open up to loves ones. While no one can understand (hopefully) what it is like to lose a child, they are likely grieving your childs death also; be it differently. It could have been their niece/nephew, grandchild or sibling. This connection is vital for healing to occur. Reaching out to say “I need to talk about _____” helps keep the lines of communication open.
About six months,
after my son Nate died, I was finishing up at work one night and a friend asked me if I was ok.
Full disclosure, I wanted to scream out loud and say “what the fuck do you think”? I was
vulnerable but she was a safe place. I told her no and explained the emotions I was having about life and the “what ifs”. She asked what she could do for me to make it better; she felt helpless. I told her nothing – she could do nothing. Sometimes a parent that loses a child to death just needs to be heard.
Grief sucks. There’s no way around it. Guilt for surviving, for not being able to prevent their
death, for feeling happy, for moving on and for not ______ (fill in the blanks).
My son had Epilepsy. He used to ask to try marijuana to help with the seizures. I was not having a son of mine use drugs! I carried for a long time (and still occasionally do if I’m honest) guilt for not letting him try it – maybe it wouldn’t have prevented his death; but maybe it would have provided some comfort.
While my brain knows I did the best I could with the information I had at the time, my heart always wondered what if… I still work on releasing my guilt still to this day. And that’s ok.
Unfortunately, its part of the process and you must learn how to live with the grief. Carrying
your child’s memory with you and finding moments of peace is all part of the storm.
I remember when I was finally able to tell a story about him without crying while telling it. It didn’t mean things were ok, they were just different. And to me, telling people about him keeps his memory alive. I’ve learned to carry my grief differently.
Hope may feel distant at times, but over time glimmers of it will appear and be kind to
YOURSELF.
-Reach out to others when its needed
-Give yourself grace
-just working on answering another day
I’m not gonna sugar coat it, it will only cause cavities. But over time, hope does emerges
followed by times of sadness. Those are the waves of grieving.
Stay the course…
You’re not alone; even if you feel alone…
The waves will never stop, but they will become manageable…
You have the tools to work through to your NEW normal…
Dreaming for your peace & hope,
Chris.
