October 18, 2024

UNDERSTANDING GRIEF

Understanding grief after the loss of a child is one of the hardest things a parent will ever deal with during their lifetime. There is NO right or wrong way to grieve. Anyone that tells you there is, well they are completely full of S-H-I-T. There are ways to help you grow from pain to healing, isolated to involved and from guilt to acceptance. But let’s not forget that healing takes time.

Not everyone goes through the steps in the same order, nor is the timeframe the same length of time. Grief is very uniquely personal. Also, just because healing takes place doesn’t mean that
you will no longer feel sadness. Pain does dull with time but the love you feel for your child will never change. Never forget that!

Things to help you as you make your way through the loss of a child:

1. Regardless of which emotions you have; accept that ALL of them are valid. Every emotion under the sun will happen; and in no particular order that makes sense. Your journey won’t look
like anyone else on the planet.

 Remember – treat yourself with kindness like you would treat someone else grieving! Think of it like this – grieving is an expression of your love for your child.

How could that ever be a bad thing?
Depending on the day and sometimes even the moment, my emotions were all over the place.

As I went through feelings of guilt, regret, depression and anger just to name a few. I realized something. It was actually OKAY to NOT be okay. When I realized that, my grieving process
actually had started.

2. You don’t have to do this alone; by yourself. Look around, find someone or a group of someone’s to be able to talk to – during the hardest moments of this journey it can provide a very needed lifeline. I needed to talk to someone after Nate died. Share feelings, emotions and my grief with someone. My dad was that person. While he had never experienced the death of a child, he did
survive the death of his grandchild. My dad was larger than life, a former Marine and a good man. The emotions he shared with me helped me understand grief from a different perspective.

Being able to share my ever changing emotions was so helpful – words don’t give it justice.

3. Take care of your own well-being. Grieving is about more than emotions. When emotions are tie up most of our energy, it’s easy to forget to take time for self-care. Make sure you are eating at regular times (even if it’s just a snack), keeping hydrated, getting some time for daily activity (could be a short walk), practicing meditation exercise or simply doing something you
would normally perform for self-care. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is. Without taking even just a short amount of time, grieving can lead to emotional exhaustion, increase
anxiety, make it harder to concentrate to process the loss and ultimately impair regular daily tasks. Physically, neglecting self-care can result in fatigue, headaches, weakened immune
system and make current health problems worse. Depression can develop or worsen and all of the above side effects can end up causing strained relationships. Wow! Give yourself the gift of self-care already.

4. Grieve the way YOU need to grieve. So, what exactly does that mean? Grieve in whatever way is the most comfortable or natural for YOU. It’s not a competition or a race. It’s part of your
life now; one you will get more used to as time goes on. Just be YOU
.
When I finally allowed myself to “have all the feels”, it didn’t make a difference immediately. It was hard, overwhelming and some days were just TOO much. It’s still that way once in a blue moon. But over time, it did give me peace and helped me understand why I felt the way I did based upon what was going on. Allow yourself “all the feels”. Cry, have isolation time, be creative, laugh – do whatever you need to express it however you need; just DO IT.

5. Keeping your child’s memory alive will help provide you comfort. This process is about YOU. When you do this, you not only honor their life but allow yourself to begin healing.

However, you wish to do this – plant a tree, create a memory shadow box or just tell stories; do what works for you.

6. Release guilt and embrace healing; you deserve this. Grieving parents struggle with guilt. Plain and simple. This isn’t a new subject, is it? When you are able to release your guilt, you will
be able to move FORWARD in your journey. But how can you do that? Practice self-compassion. Grief is not an island without emotions. Sadness, happiness and joy can simultaneously happen. I know it sounds a little impossible but at any given moment the emotional tree sways. I personally love a mindfulness activity of writing myself a letter. I can release all of my emotions
in the written word and release it to the universe. Try writing yourself a letter – forgiving yourself for _________.

7. Embrace Connection and Hope. While it’s important to recognize grief never completely disappears, finding time for connection with others will help make joy and hope possible. Moving forward in your grieving journey means learning to live with your grief while simultaneously healing.

Two years after my son’s death, I suddenly found myself wanting to rebuild friendships from
many years earlier. A high school friend had come to Nate’s wake to give me support. You see, she was a member of the club as well. She will never know how much that meant to have her there. She continued to check in overtime to see how I was dealing with my new normal. What many people didn’t know was that I had been isolating myself for many years prior to his death due to his health issues. I never knew when seizures would happen and how bad it would be. So, I made my world a nurse during the day AND night. That is other than paying crazy expensive medical bills. Now I found myself in unfamiliar ground. I reached out to her and along with two other fabulous women, I reignited my life as a woman. Not grieving mother …. As a woman needing connection with others. I began to go out, go to parties; I was finally ready to move forward. Don’t get me wrong, there were lots of difficult days mixed with guilt and regrets. But having the courage to interact and reconnect with people changed my life beyond my wildest dreams. I met my forever love – but that’s a story for another day!

I encourage you to take small steps by reaching out to a friend, try a new activity; just try something. Every step forward will help with the healing process. Moving forward, while hard, I
promise is a good thing.

It is okay to have moments of happiness. Having these times of positivity is a signal healing is in the works. Guilt never did anyone any good. Grief is a personal story that has NO timeline. Go at
your OWN pace – go through all the steps as many times as you need to do them. It doesn’t
matter as long as it helps you.
I’m curious to know what steps you’ve taken in your journey of grieving and healing? As usual,
we would absolutely positively love to hear from you! You just never know who is listening and
needs YOUR help.

Keep dreaming and healing,
Chris