FINDING JOY AMIDST GRIEF

As a grieving parent, how do you allow yourself to feel joy or laugh again? It can feel like you are
betraying the child you’ve lost. Afterall, how can you be happy when they’re dead? The internal fight a
parent has about grief vs happiness is unfortunately, like everything else, part of the process.

Many parents feel guilty when they have moments of happiness or feel like laughing. Its not unusual to
worry that by being happy they are disrespecting the death of their child or starting to forget their child.
Neither could be further from the truth.

That first Christmas Day after my son Nate’s death, I made the decision to not go to bed and put the
covers over my head. It was important to enjoy my grandson and his first real Christmas opening gifts. I
loved watching my son Tyler interact with his son while he opened gifts. I felt so ashamed later – I felt
guilty for enjoying that moment so quickly after Nate had died. I mean, come on, he had been gone less
than two months. What was I thinking by smiling and laughing? It took lots of practice experiencing
good things while remembering Nate. While my son was no longer with us, I was still alive and needed
to live; not just exist. Maybe, just maybe I had other people that needed me. Again – that took quite a
while to realize.

Society has very specific ideas about what grief should look like. Grieving parents should be sad all the
time BUT once they have a moment of happiness …. Well, that means they’ve “moved on”, right?
WRONG. Don’t forget those waves of grief we previously talked about it.
So how exactly does a grieving parent go about being okay with experiencing joy and happiness? Here’s
some easy ways to do just that:

1. Give Yourself Permission. It’s completely normal to feel both grief and joy. It’s normal to feel
undecided about joy while still grieving. There is nothing wrong with having times of happiness. Nothing
wrong with it at all; give yourself that permission. And it’s absolutely fine to grieve. Both of these
feelings can co-exist together.

2. Place supportive people in your life who understand the broad range of emotions you are going
through while grieving. People that don’t judge you or expect you to “get on with things”. A safe place
where you can laugh, cry and live.

3. Take time for self-care. Self-care cannot be stressed enough. Start small if you need to. Go for a walk,
put headphones on and dance to your favorite music, meditate, or read a book for fun. Seriously, any
time you can set aside for just YOU will help you reintroduce positive emotions back into your life. It will
help bring peace and yes – Joy.

4. Grab that ability to laugh when an opportunity shows itself and try it without guilt. I know that
sounds crazy but remember that laughing can be healing. Joy and happiness don’t decrease the depth of
your loss.

5. Start small. Watching a funny TV show or spending time with people that remind you it’s ok to smile.

6. Find joy by sharing stories about your child when they did something funny. Remembering those
moments helps people know a little bit more about your kiddo.

I had a co-worker say to me once that it was good to hear me laugh again. She was glad to see I wasn’t
sad or hurting anymore. It caught me off guard. At first, I thought maybe I don’t have a right to be
happy. Maybe I shouldn’t be laughing yet; maybe I was supposed to still be sad.

Its hard to explain to people about the different emotions a parent experiences while grieving and
healing. Those dang waves. Sadness doesn’t disappear and joy suddenly appears in a moment’s notice.
Its not POOF! Not at all.

Happiness and grieving are not opposites. I know that sounds weird. Experiencing happiness doesn’t get
rid of grief. Remember it’s a lifelong journey. It’s simple, happiness is a sign that healing is happening in
small ways.

The first anniversary of my son’s death brought out lots of people to our now traditional celebration
dinner. People told stories about him, and I laughed SO hard my gut hurt. I was still grieving the
emptiness my heart felt. But it actually FELT good to laugh. I knew my journey was just beginning but it
was then I realized being happy in life was possible…sometimes.

Joy doesn’t mean you’re forgetting your child. It’s very possible to honor your child’s memory and have
some happiness in your life. I hope you give yourself permission to feel joy without guilt. It’s ok to laugh,
have fun, engage in life and make NEW memories WHILE still grieving. It doesn’t mean you love your
child any less.

As I live my “new normal”, I’ve learned there is no “perfect” way to grieve. It’s about working through
the ups and downs of life and including grieving in that mix.
I had a core group of people that were there for me; regardless of the emotion I was experiencing. It
made a huge impact on me being able to openly grieve yet have happy times mixed in. It definitely
helped me heal; judgement free.

Shortly before an anniversary of Nate’s death, I was having a really rough day at work. Every year for
about six weeks leading up to that day of the year, I struggle with sleep every single night. So, I was
sleep deprived on top of a stressful day. Somehow two girlfriends sensed it. They showed up to my job
with a huge bouquet of flowers, a card, and hugs. Neither have ever lost a child, but they both were part
of my judgement free zone. Everybody needs people like that.

To this day I grieve and have many incredibly happy days too. It took lots of starting and stopping to find
the balance. Always, always, always give yourself grace … and time.

I invite you to share with us how you go back and forth between happiness and grief. Because after all, it
takes a village!

Dreaming and healing for you,

Chris