EMBRACING YOUR OWN JOURNEY

Sometimes society pressures grieving parents to “get over” the loss of their child. I hear time and time
again people talk about someone who has lost a child. About how they “still haven’t gotten over it”.
Society has unrealistic expectations. This can include strangers, family, friends, co-workers and
sometimes even us.

As having lost a child myself, I completely understand how deep and complex this grief is. Regardless of
what is expected, there is no specific length of time grieving should take. Everyone’s journey is unique.
Healing takes time – and that is absolutely, positively, total OK!

While people genuinely feel bad if you have lost a child, there is no way for them to empathize with all
the complexities that go with this kind of loss. Having you “get back to normal” is well meaning. Likely it
has something to do with how uncomfortable it is to watch you mourn the loss of your child. They just
want your pain to be over and get back to life.

Grief comes in layers and can be like a rollercoaster at any given moment. Feelings of sadness, anger,
guilt, joy, acceptance, relief and depression can change at any given moment. Especially when you least
expect it.

Take the time you need to heal. There’s no reason to feel rushed by others. Its NOT their journey; it’s
yours. It is freeing to let go of others’ expectations and focus on your own grief and healing. Feelings of
loss is not a straight line. It looks more like a toddler drew squiggles. It is absolutely, NOT uncommon to
take a step forward and turn around and take two steps backward.
Here are some ways to verbalize your needs to people:

1. Let your friends and family know that your grief over your loss does not have an end date. There is no
deadline for when your healing begins. By gently saying your needs it may remind them that your
process is complex and personal; it’s important for them to understand that every person moves
through sections of this process at a different pace.

2. While people mean well, asking when you’re going to “get over it” feels cold to the grieving parent.
Remember, they are uncomfortable with you being uncomfortable. Talk to them and explain you are
working on learning to live WITH the loss, not trying to forget it. There’s a definite difference. Stating
your needs is a great way to let them in on the fact that grief never goes away. It’s a process to learn
how to adapt to your new “normal” without the presence of your child.

3. When someone knows when you’re going to be better, they are telling you (in not such a great way)
they want you to feel better. Respond with this: Grieving is part of the healing process, and I am taking it
one step at a time. Please don’t rush me. This helps remind them that healing is a process you must go
through, and you need the time to go through it without being pressured.
4. Well-meaning people just want to help. They really do, but they need to know that they can’t do the
work or go through this; only you can. Talking to them to let them know why you appreciate them, you
are the only one that can guide your grief journey correctly. This helps set up a clear boundary while
telling them you appreciate their concern. Your grief is personal and that needs to be respected.

Going back to work was personally good for me in order to interact with other people. I’m a nurse, so
taking care of others helped me. That is until I was about three blocks away from home at night. It was
like all the progress I made during the day to function was erased when I remembered I was going home
to an empty home. While I was ready to be around people during the day, nighttime felt like I would
NEVER EVER NEVER move forward. Giving myself grace was a hard lesson.

Parents who lose a child may feel guilty when they haven’t moved on as readily as people think they
should. It’s like you can’t please anyone. You couldn’t save your child, and you can’t make anyone
happy. Last of all, yourself.

Overtime and with a lot of work, I learned people around me didn’t lose a piece of them – I did. I needed
the space to grieve and eventually I stopped caring about what other people thought. Being a recovering
people pleaser, this was a hard concept. My huge breakthrough came when I figured out my grieving
would never be over; it’s a lifelong sentence. I can only describe it in a visual sense. I have a black hole
around my heart, but I learned how to put a scarf over it to masquerade some of the pain from others.
No one else is aware it’s there unless I show them what’s behind the curtain. And some days that hole is
super small. Some days, the Grand Canyon could fit inside.

Build connections with others at your own speed. It’s okay to say NO to invitations if you’re not
emotionally prepared to interact with people. Just keep in mind – connections are important. You are
not an island.

I LOVE being around others, I’m an extrovert by nature. But there are days when I just don’t want to go
out or be around people. I need to recharge my own battery. If I’m having a hard moment, I set
boundaries for the day. When I’m feeling better, I reconnect. And there is no reason for me to apologize
for that or explain why. It’s for MY emotional well being and that’s my healthy boundary I’ve built over
time.

Hope and healing don’t just show up one day on your doorstep. It comes in slowly in snippets. Laughing
without feeling guilty, a conversation that brings a smile to your heart, a day without crying appears
without realizing its taking place. Over time you will see signs of hope you never realized would ever
happen again.

Accepting that grief is never over is a hard concept to achieve. When you find peace and acceptance
together; THAT becomes your “new normal”.

My journey of grieving will NEVER be over and honestly that sucks. Difference is that now I can embrace
acceptance of his death. He will never come through that door. It sucks but each and everyday I focus on
giving myself grace.

Remember, there’s no timeline here! Don’t let ANYONE tell you that there is. Healing shows up when it
knows you’re ready.

So how do you deal with other people’s expectations of “getting over it”? I’d love to hear about your
experiences and how it has affected your process.

As Always – Dreaming and Healing,

Chris.